Be a Gardner in Your Life – Buddha Says

Why not take the time to focus on your commitments, vows and promises? Why not treasure the all that is beautiful in your life (even if it’s not 100% perfect)? Why not care for each delicate flower instead of trampling on them like weeds? No one deserves that.

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Love yourself too! With each minute, hour, day, week, month, and year; love the moments and precious gems that are beautiful and worthy of gratitude. Just look around – there are many!

Ahhh, Buddha, you are so wise!

With love,

Becky

Stronger Than You Think

Upon learning of Dick’s infidelity (and total lack of remorse), I cried almost everyday for 19 days (which requires a lot of extra Botox to battle those wrinkles). For other related reasons, I cried for many days even before that. Every fiber of my being was unraveled and frayed. I didn’t think I had anything left.

The day after finding out I had to begin leading our corporate marketing team and a few members of corporate management through a two – day video shoot of our facility. Even though I wanted desperately to run and hide, I actually had to pull myself out of bed, transform myself into a professional looking and functioning Executive Assistant, and make sure this marketing team got what they needed. By the grace of God, I did it.

The days and weeks following, I would go home and cry on a daily basis. Sometimes so hysterically no one could make sense of what I was saying. Other times I would actually begin to hyperventilate. One night, while on the phone with my mom, between sobs, I told her “I can’t do it. I can’t go on. I don’t know how to go on.” And kept repeating those three sentences. I’m not quite sure how she understood a single word I said, but she listened patiently and then finally cut into my repetitious rambling, saying “Becky, you HAVE to do this. You don’t have a choice. So you will get through this. You will be ok. There will be more rainbows, butterflies, and happiness in your life. You are stronger than you think.” She was right. I had to get through it. The only way was forward. It made sense but it didn’t ease the pain right away or stop the tears.

A few weeks later, while visiting family I started wandering the house, my mind going blank, pain in my chest, only to end up laying on the floor of the living room in a ball, crying so deeply I couldn’t breathe. My stepmom found me and as she rubbed my neck and tried to calm my breathing, she told me that this will be over before I knew it. She reminded me that each day would get easier, and soon this would be in the past. She even suspected I would find happiness rather quickly. She, too, reminded me that I am so much stronger than I realize.

Friends reached out providing love and words of encouragement. Many of them were just as much in shock at his actions as I was but they all were steadfast in believing that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Not after everything I had done to be such a devoted, caring, selfless wife.

With each passing day and week, I was getting stronger. I was beginning to love myself and honor what I deserve.

fallingOn June 19th, I received a phone call that changed everything. It was an old friend who had been betrayed and then divorced. Sadly, my friend was betrayed in a way that makes my story seem like a fairy tale. He told me I can get through it though it might not be easy or even comprehendible at that moment, but I will end up being ok. He gave me some other basic words of wisdom. I know I cried through each word (like I said, I did a lot of crying). Then he so selflessly and adamantly said, “Becky, I won’t let you fall.” And he hasn’t. He made that promise and he has kept it.

Not one single member of my family or circle of friends has left my side. In fact they all rallied to help fortify my soul and therefore, my strength.

I am beyond shocked. I am SO much stronger that I ever gave myself credit for being.

For whatever is going on in your life, decide that YOU deserve THE best. Choose YOU. Don’t give up on yourself. You will have good days and bad days. Give yourself a break when you need it. But always remember that you get to create your life and your happiness. God knows I was ready to give in and give up. But in the end, no one gets to take your power or your strength.

Know in your heart that you are stronger than you think.

🙂

With love,

Becky

*As always, names are changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, too.

 

Best of Both Worlds

It was June 1st, 2015. A Monday that sticks out in my mind very well. Parts of it haunt me at times. That was the day that I found the undeniable “evidence” that led to his admission of infidelity. (That story is for another time.) The very next day, June 2nd, I filed for divorce. I didn’t contemplate. I didn’t ask for a bunch of opinions (which I normally do). I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t think twice. I just drove straight to the lawyers office knowing in my gut (we will talk about gut instincts) that this had to end.

Over the following days and weeks, my decision to file for divorce became known amongst close (and very few) friends and family.  Everyone, and I mean E V E R Y O N E was in complete shock and awe of the situation, they just couldn’t believe Dick* was actually capable of such terrible actions. (After all, he was the good guy, uber reliable, the go-to guy, mister fix it, etc.) Yet I was still given words of caution: Are you over-reacting? Are you sure this is what you want? What about counseling? Becky, take some time to think about this. Don’t you think you can work it out?

But I knew it had to be done — and here’s why.

After presenting the “evidence” to Dick* and his admission, I ran up to “our” master bedroom in a fog. Sinking amongst the many pillows on the bed and staring at myself in the dresser mirror in front of me, my whole life, my marriage, and my future was swirling around in my head. HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING? NO, THIS ISN’T REALLY HAPPENING. IS IT? I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t blink. I could barely breathe. I felt oddly paralyzed by the fury of emotions raging through my body.

A few minutes passed and then Dick casually entered the room – very casually, almost as though this was no big deal. He positioned himself against the dresser in front of me. My shocked, paralyzed face was no longer visible in the mirror. All I saw was HIM. Legs crossed, hands in his pockets. I stared deep into his eyes, but he wasn’t there. I shook my head with disgust.

He shrugged his shoulders and with a slight smirk, said “There are things I get from her (Cru*) that I don’t get from you, and things that I get from you that I don’t get from her. So by having both of you, I have the best of both worlds.”

EXCUSE ME? Is that English? Did I just hear that correctly? The words echoed in my head “best of both worlds”.  I (the devoted, loving, loyal wife) just heard the phrase “best of both worlds” as an excuse (and this is just one of the many excuses) for having a wife AND a mistress. My mind went blank – partially with anger, partially from disbelief, but mostly because I wanted to reach into his chest to see if his heart still pumped blood or if it was just acid and bile. (And then I wanted to vomit.)

best of both worldsDick became angry because the conversation was making him late for his “meeting”. He turned to leave the room. In that moment I knew I was not going to be described as “the best of both worlds”.

My vows were intended for one world, one person, one man and I was to be his ONE and ONLY as well. As long as he could say those words – so cold and heartless, the exact opposite of the vows he committed to on September 20, 2008 – then that was my cue to exit, and exit quickly. And I did just that. On August 13, 2015, we were officially divorced. No longer man and wife. No longer someone’s “other” world. I was free. (But it was a loooong 2 1/2 months of craziness!)

I know everyone’s situation is different. And I am not placing judgment on anyone who makes a decision that differs from my own. For some there are children involved, for others there is honest remorse and the desire to work through the infidelity. Some may feel “forced” to stick it out. Others resolve that divorce is not an option. In fact 50-60% of couples who experience infidelity actually stay together (magazine.foxnews.com).

No matter what: Please stop and think about how you DESERVE to be treated. Your partner should never disrespect the goodness in you or mindlessly flip your world upside down. And no one deserves to be on the receiving end of lies, deception, cheating, manipulation, abuse, addiction, and purpose-driven carelessness. You are valuable. You are gorgeous. You are loved. You are strong. You are worthy. You were put on this Earth – THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD – for a very specific reason. Trust that.

Wishing happiness and light in your heart –

Becky

 

*All the names are changed to protect the innocent and, unfortunately, the guilty. Except mine 😉

**Please note that I am not a therapist or trying to be; I am just a regular woman writing from her heart about her own experience.

***Quote from Ink361.com. Check out his page for other amazing quotes and artwork.

Once Upon a Time…

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It’s daunting to believe over 50% of marriages end in divorce. I am now part of the majority. However, mine is no ordinary divorce.

On September 20, 2008, we stood at the alter saying our vows. I didn’t just say them. I breathed the very essence of my soul into those vows. With each word I spoke deliberately and honestly, pledging my everlasting love to the man before me. In fact, I spoke so slowly that many commented how it seemed I was about to pass out.

After we were pronounced Man & Wife, I proudly boasted to the congregation, “I am Mrs. Treblig*”! And then my fairy tale began. However, little did I know it would turn out to be my worst nightmare.

I never imagined after 9 years together, SCAN0003nearly 7 as husband and wife, that I would learn how Richard* (AKA Dick) lived a completely separate life. A life full of deceit, lies, manipulation, and worst of all, infidelity. It happened.

Dick*, his mistress (whom I will call Cru*), and I all work together. In fact he began his affair about 6 weeks prior to my start date. So for almost a year, I worked with my cheating husband and his mistress (who is apparently married, with 2 children). The whole thing is entirely trashy, absolutely disgusting and beyond cruel. But, YES! It’s real. It happened.

I never imagined that I would be completely gutted like a fish and tossed out like I didn’t matter, just like trash. It happened.

During those dark days, I begged and pleaded with God. Laying in a ball on the floor of my bathroom (which sounds so cliché), I sobbed uncontrollably, asking that He just wake me from the nightmare. That really happened.

The lies are many. The deceit is disgusting. The level of infidelity is shocking. The lack of remorse for Dick’s actions is non-existent, telling me “it’s what was in his heart”. Believe it or not, aside from all the darkness of my story, I see there IS light.

On a weekly basis I meet at least one person who has a similar story; thus leading me to believe this is more of an epidemic than I could have ever realized.

As a society, we commonly talk about topics like infertility, birth, breastfeeding, miscarriages, but seemingly infidelity is too uncomfortable. However, this topic shouldn’t be off limits and it must be exposed. Sadly, 55% of divorces are due to infidelity (divorce.usa.com). These actions are NOT ok and shouldn’t be protected. Ultimately, I decided not to protect the people that chose to behave so terribly. I knew I had to share this experience to support all those who feel their voice is suppressed, don’t know what to do, or feel emotionally trapped. What I write is honest. It’s my reality. I’m not afraid to talk about it.

I have been asked many questions, like: How did you find out?, Do you still believe in marriage?, How did you go on with your life?, How did you face work each day (especially since we all work together BUT I never missed a day)?, Why didn’t you stay with him?, Why did you resort to divorce?, Would you take him back? and the list goes on.

cropped-scan0001.jpgI’m no expert but through my own experience and soul searching, many honest and kind people, and hours of research, I have decided to launch this blog.  It won’t be designed perfectly or as eye-catching as other blogs but that isn’t the point.

It is my hope that as my life changes direction and my self-empowerment is realized, I can help someone else who is in a compromising situation, or even questioning the darkness in their life, whatever that may be.

This entire saga may have cast a deep, dark shadow on my path (temporarily), but I am choosing to walk forward, out of that darkness, towards the bright light in front of me. I believe everything – even this unfortunate experience – has a meaning. Just wait, you’ll see. 😉

I invite you to follow my story and be part of my happy ending.

With all my heart,

Becky

(*In effort to protect the innocent, and unfortunately the guilty too, all names have been changed. Except mine.)