A Letter to My Mom

 

dear momYou taught me to make good decisions and bring good people into my life. I know you don’t blame me for his actions, but I clearly made a mistake. I’m sorry for making that poor decision. I’m sorry for all the money, time, and resources wasted on the gorgeous wedding you helped plan. I’m sorry you sat in that church and watched your oldest daughter promise her life, in front of God, to a man who turned around and lied, to you and our entire family. He was deceiving and I had no idea he was capable of being that kind of person.

I’m sorry for the genuine effort you spent making sure he got just the right Christmas gifts and birthday presents. He never really thanked you. He never really appreciated any of it. And as it turns out, he certainly didn’t deserve it.

I’m terribly sorry for the outrageous number of phone calls and time I took from your life and your marriage throughout this entire ordeal. I’m sorry for the nights you stayed up worrying about me as I was locked out of the house, chased around the house, screamed at, my phone tracked and hacked, and ultimately “stalked” and my privacy violated. With 800 miles between us, there wasn’t much you could do. You begged to come get me, pack me up and take me away. But I thought I needed to stay and be “responsible”.

You came to visit in June, at my lowest point. The protective “mama bear” was fired up and ready to fight for her mother daughterbaby. You saw your daughter fading away – not much more than skin and bones. You forced and bribed me to eat; sometimes demanded it. But it was necessary. You bought me clothes that actually fit since I had lost so much weight. You listened, without flinching, to every terrible moment and obscenity that poured from my mouth. You gave me advice and listened…and listened…and listened. And as unsettling and unnerving as it must have been, for both of us, you were nothing but supportive while I got tested for every STD under the sun. A sick necessity that neither of us expected to face at this point in my life.

For everything I went through, I can’t begin to imagine what you went through as well. I know you never expected an apology from me. I can’t be sorry for him. He needs to do that on his own – but he never will.

What I do know is that I have the most amazing mother, who offered me nothing but strength and courage. You reminded me, on a daily basis, whether through a phone call or a card in the mail, that I would be OK. More than OK. What I realize is that instead of trying to apologize, I should be grateful and honored to have YOU as my mother.

And now I will say the words every mother wants to hear: “YOU WERE RIGHT”. You were. I am ok. I am more than ok. Know that I will never be treated that way again. Know that I am happy! And know that I feel abundantly loved!!  I realize you’ll always worry about your “baby”, but we don’t have to worry. We can relax and look forward to the future.

Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you a million times over. As much as I’ll always be your little girl, you’ll always be my mommy.

I love you. Always.

Becky

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