For a while the only way to describe how I felt is “gutted like a fish and thrown to the side like trash”. It’s so easy to internalize the situation and question “What did I do wrong?” even though I knew deep in my heart that I didn’t do anything wrong. These weren’t my actions or my wrong-doings. And I certainly wasn’t trash.
As I thought back over the months prior, all the bad behaviors started to add up – and I didn’t deserve any them and our marriage didn’t deserve such neglect.
It’s natural to look people in the eyes during a conversation and when doing so while talking to Dick, I didn’t see him. For the most part, “he” was gone. Every now and then I would catch a glimpse of a real man, but then it disappeared behind a cold, ruthless glaze.
Finally it occurred to me that this IS the real him – a cold, cruel, lying, cheating man who just wants what he wants without any regard for consequences and believes he is invincible. (And maybe that’s who he’s been all along but hid it under a façade and just couldn’t hide it any longer.) Now, he was showing me his true self and therefore doing me a HUGE favor! Because I didn’t want THAT man any longer and no part of THAT life. Although I still think things could have been handled in a much kinder way, ultimately it took him being that nasty to make it so easy for me to walk away – without question, doubt, regret, or “what if”. He didn’t deserve any space in my life any longer.
A couple of weeks ago, I had to make my final payment to my divorce lawyer (the equivalent to a nice vacation). As I exited the parking lot, annoyed, frustrated, and disgusted with the amount of money I just spent, I heard a voice (call it what your want – God, my gut, intuition) tell me something very enlightening. (Stay tuned for my future post about intuition and gut instincts.) As clear as day, I heard “Becky, this seems really expensive now. But I promise this is the cheaper route in the long run. I’m actually saving you money.” <insert slight shock and surprise> WELL, OK THEN! I nodded my head in acceptance of what I just heard.
I am now grateful to be out of a bad situation so that I can be fully open to only AMAZING people, situations and happiness. Better things, much better things, are falling into place. I do believe all this had to happen in order for me to gain the strength that I didn’t have before. It also made me open my eyes wider than ever so I can clearly see the path
that is taking me to the next chapter of my life. Actually, I think this is more than a new chapter; my future is a brand new book.
Although a work in progress, my life is already so much better – kinder, peaceful, happy, honest, and full of true love. And those are just basic things any decent human being deserves! Do you believe that to be true? You should! Believe with all your heart that good things are surrounding you, even amidst injustice. Watch all the good things fall into place in your life and be grateful for each one! Everything happens for a reason.